Dear Mr. Bell

Friday, August 24, 2012

I watched Totally Biased because Colorlines told me to, and I've decided that I'm in love with you. I can't pinpoint when exactly it happened, but I've fallen...hard. Maybe it was somewhere around the time that you so eloquently explained the difference between sikhs, sheiks, and geeks. It might have been when you gave all those clever suggestions on how to make stop and frisks awkward for the racist cops enforcing this unjust policy. Actually it was definitely when you interviewed Rachel Maddow, and she stroked your ego stating in all sincerity that television needs you. Kamau, you looked like were going to cream yourself in excitement. Excuse the informality, but I just feel that close to you. I understand, I too would like to be BFF4L with Rachel Maddow. Her stamp of approval makes my love for you that much stronger.

I've told all my friends about you, borrowed some of your jokes to appear even wittier than usual. You've become a new benchmark for me now, the way I find friends and non-friends (i.e., people who don't think you're HIGH-larious) alike. I'm shamelessly promoting you to strangers, giving countless acquaintances access to my Hulu account so they can laugh with you too. I don't trust FX to keep televising your brilliance. I know they're going to try to take you away from me. They'll probably replace you with some generic-looking sexist white man who kicks puppies and shoots unicorns in his free time. And he won't even be funny!

It's okay if you don't love me back. Frank Ocean has written some really beautiful songs about unrequited love. I guess in this short time that we have together, I should just thank you. Thank you for making me laugh at things that would normally leave me crying with no faith in humanity.

Laughing hysterically at your YouTube videos,
Tavae Samuelu

P.S. After watching this, I'd like to have your interracial babies. See Dwayne Johnson for the possibilities. I hear you have a wife and kid already. But I've been reading a lot about polyamory, and I really think we could make this work.